Therapy Can Help Distressed Relationships Find Enduring Love

Has therapy been on your mind with a distressed relationship?

Falling In Love. Do you remember your first love? It could have been with Suzy in grade one, or with John in grade twelve, or maybe you are in love now. At whatever age, love has a powerful effect of the body, mind and soul. Lovers feel the physical attraction of the body, the rush of energy, the heightened awareness of all the senses. They share their innermost thoughts and feelings. They can talk endlessly on the phone, or stay up all night talking, sharing and gazing into each other's eyes. Everything the other person says, does, or thinks, seems wonderful and flawless. There is a sense of complete trust, unconditional love and spiritual connection. Lovers believe they have found the one true person who can make their life complete. Right and wrong!

Falling Out Of Love. As lovers begin to share their lives together there is a gradual change in the relationship. The high energy level drops. No longer are there long, and late-night trysts. The realities of every-day living begin to be felt. The other person begins not to appear so perfect. The partner may suddenly show habits that were unnoticed before. Differences become apparent. One person may always be late, and the other always early. One person may want to go out every night of the week, and the other person may want to stay in. One person may want to bring work home every night, and the other person may want to have fun. One person may love to have a neat and tidy house, the other may not care about the lived-in look. One may drink or smoke or diet or have other addictions that were undetected.

These differences can be a source of fun and happiness! However, what often happens is that each person may become irritated, annoyed, angry, and begin to doubt whether this is the right person after all. There are often question such as, "Why can't that person be more like me?" "If that person really loved me she/he would -- stop--- think this way--change. Suddenly there is a chilling awareness that the "one perfect person" is not perfect. Emotions may run high, or be hidden, as fear, anger, and disillusionment begin to become conscious. Stress in the relationship, if unresolved, can lead to emotional outbursts and abusive behavior. Buried feelings of resentment, and anger can emerge as physical symptoms, such as headaches or other aches and pains. The couple begin to wonder what happened to that heady early love.

Some couples begin to drift apart as conflict, or the emotional distance, becomes painful. Some look for another partner to recreate that first feeling of being in love. Others will settle into a distant and non-intimate relationship. Others will find a new basis for a relationship and create a deep, and enduring spiritual love of comfort, mutual caring, sharing, and growing together.

Enduring Love. There are many ways of recreating love and creating a new relationship. The most important thing to realize is that the person you fell in love with is probably the right one for you, but for different reasons, not because that person appeared perfect, but because that person is imperfect!

When one falls in love there is believed to be an unconscious brain process occurring. The brain appears to be able to recognize a person who has many of the characteristics of one's original parents or caregivers, but in a different body. As a child the feeling of love, trust, and safety of unconditional parental love is imprinted on the brain like a movie. However, the movie also has the details of not so pleasant experiences, of hurt, abandonment, fear, abuse, parental expectations, rules, and beliefs. The person one falls in love with will seem to be part of this movie. The positive aspects of the person bring comfort. It is the negative aspects of the movie, and the person, that begin to cause the doubt and the loss of trust.

The negative aspect of one's own past appear to become recreated in the new relationship. One may not even be aware of this until the issues are confronted. It may appear to be "all the other person's fault". This is a very common thought. In many relationships the focus is on the other person. This often can cause a loss of sense of self, in each individual. This loss of self can be felt in the loss of physical, emotional mental and spiritual energy. The relationship becomes lifeless too.

The secret to healing, and developing a healthy relationship is to begin to examine one's own past patterns, to confront oneself, to learn ones' own strengths and weaknesses, and begin to love oneself. If self-love is possible, unconditionally, then it is possible to love another unconditionally too..

Couples also need to develop a new relationship based on mutual respect and sharing. This can only be done by recreating that deep sharing of thoughts and feelings. Communication is key to creating a relationship. It is important to share the deepest fears, angers, doubts and hurts as well as the joy and happiness. The ability to listen and be heard is crucial. This way, the past can be understood, and with understanding the fears disappear, and love enters.

Therapy is useful to help troubled, or stale relationships. Face to face or online therapy can begin the process of discussing and making positive changes. Therapy can teach more effective communication to resolve conflict, relearn how to have fun, rekindle desire and work with differences of personality. More importantly, therapy can access the buried, and forgotten feelings of love. In committed relationships where there is too much to lose, it is possible to heal the past, and develop a new and lasting love that opens up the heart the mind and the soul in a new way.