Do You Doubt Your Husband's Love For You After His Affair? These Insights Might Help

This may surprise you, but often one main concerns after learning of a husband's affair is not the wife's own feelings but that of her husband. If you were to ask very honest wives their most immediate concern during the early days after the affair has been found out, many will tell you that they are most concerned not necessarily about sex, but about their husband's emotional feelings. They are concerned about how their husband still feels about them and what type of emotions he feels toward the other woman.

If you have never been the wife in this situation, this may seem quite odd to you. But you have been there like I have, you likely know exactly what I mean. You can be absolutely furious at your husband and unsure about the future of your marriage while at the same time worrying if this same man who betrayed you still loves you, as strange as that may sound.

And even though this process may sound odd, it actually makes complete sense to me. That's because love doesn't turn off like a faucet or run dry like a fountain. Disappointment or even pain doesn't make it immediately stop. Even if you think your husband doesn't deserve your love, you may well still be feeling it. And so it's logical that you want him to feel this for you as well.

I heard from a wife who felt the same. She said: "part of me loathes my husband for having an affair. There are days when I want absolutely nothing to do with him. And then there are days when I don't want to throw my marriage away. This other woman isn't worth that. One mistake isn't worth that. The major problem that we are having now is that I have trouble believing him when he says he loves me now and that he never stopped loving me. I will immediately have awful thoughts like he wasn't thinking of his love for me when he was with another woman. It's so hard for me to understand how you can love someone at the same instance as you are betraying them. And so a part of me is always wondering if my husband is lying. And when I question this, he becomes angry at me and gets discouraged. He says if I'm always going to doubt him that we may as well just go ahead and get a divorce. But I just can't help it. What can you do when you doubt your husband's claims to still love you even though he had an affair?"

My answer to this question may sound very simplistic, but I hope that doesn't keep you from continuing to read it. The first thing I would say is that no one expects you to just blindly believe what he says right now. After all, he hasn't been telling you the entire truth all along. So, it is completely natural (and even in your best interest sometimes) to have a healthy dose of doubt and to not just accept his claims as truth. With that said, you do have the ability to test his claims out. After all, if he is being truthful and truly does love you, then it's likely that he will remain committed to you, your marriage, and to making things work. Nothing says you can't hang in there, be open to working things out, and see if his claims end up being true.

Another point that I'd like to make is that it is up to your as to whether you give your husband a chance to prove this to you. I mean, he can claim whatever he wants. But it is his actions and his behaviors that are truly indicative of how he feels about you. If he does his very best to help you heal and to become the husband that you want and need, if he does his best to improve and rehabilitate himself, and if he stays true to his commitments to you, then these things would be a pretty good indication that he indeed does love you.

Hear me out when I say that often, we doubt his love for us because our own doubts about ourselves are bothering us as well. This certainly isn't your fault, but being cheated on can truly challenge any confidence that you may have. And as you struggle with your self esteem and self worth, it becomes much easier to doubt someone's love for you. It becomes much easier to see your flaws rather than to embrace your strengths. You must always remind yourself that you are the same person you always were and if he can't see this, then that is his loss. The trouble is, often he does see this. It is us who has the doubts.

So take a look at your own insecurities and doubts and ask yourself if strengthening your self esteem might help you with this. Finally, for wives who have trouble believing in their husband's love after an affair, I would suggest that you decide if you're going to give him the opportunity to prove his love for you. And, if you chose that you are going to give him that chance, then do everything in your power to make it count. If you need help to boost your self esteem, then it is worth getting it because not only will it make you feel much better, it will give your marriage a fighting chance. It may seem very simplistic but if you make a very dedicated effort to love your self and to see where you are lovable, you will have a much easier time believing that he sees the same thing.

Can A Man Love You Even If He Had An Affair?

I often hear from women who are struggling with the fact that the man they love has had an affair. Yesterday was no exception. I heard from a wife who had her doubts as to whether a husband who had an affair could actually love his wife. She wrote in part: "I keep asking him if he loves the other woman. Because to me, sex and love go hand in hand. He says he doesn't love her and that he loves me. How is this remotely possible? He can't possibly love me if he had an affair. Men who love women do not cheat on them. Betrayal isn't what love is. But when I tell my husband this, he gets very upset. I've even seen him sobbing. He swears he never stopped loving me and that love really didn't have anything to do with his mistake. He says he doesn't know why he did this but that he's desperately sorry and he's devastated that I doubt his love for me. Can you help me understand how a husband can claim to love a wife but then have an affair?"

I can and did certainly try. Of course, I'm not a man who has had an affair. I am a woman who has been through an affair. And, I've conducted tons of research on this topic and have done a lot of work to heal. I can share what I have learned, which I'll do below.

Sometimes When A Man Who's Had An Affair Claims To Still Love You, He Is Telling You The Truth As He Knows It: It's my belief that most of the women who write me on this topic think that their husband is out and out lying about his love for them. They think that he is telling her what she wants to hear or that he's trying to limit her anger and fury at him. And sometimes, she's right.

But a man who is having an affair certainly isn't always thinking that he doesn't love his wife or is acting on that same belief. I actually believe that often, he's acting because of his own self doubts and insecurities combined with poor impulse control at one point and time. This is certainly no excuse. But I believe that often, an affair has more to do with the way a man feels about himself and his place in the world than about the way that he feels about his wife or even his marriage.

Sure, at the time, he may not be feeling loving feelings toward his wife or his marriage. He may not be thinking about her at all. But it's likely a safe bet that he's not thinking rationally or having deep emotional thoughts or debates. This doesn't excuse his behavior, but it does let you know that not all men who have affairs do so because their feelings about their wives have died or are lacking.

Frankly, His Behavior After The Affair Is Sometimes A Better Indicator Of His Love For You Than The Affair Itself: I often tell wives that it's their husband's behavior after you find out about the affair that is really going to give you a true glimpse of whether he loves you or not. Because the period after the affair is often what will really show you what your husband is made of.

Because he's going to be under a lot of scrutiny at that time and men who don't love their wives tend to make a run for it rather than hanging in there and insisting that they love you and want to rebuild your marriage. Going to counseling, having difficult conversations, having accountability, and taking responsibility are all difficult things that sometimes do not come easily to husbands. Men who don't really love the women in question will often flee instead of stay.

Or, they'll make you feel at fault, shift the blame, or become indignant. But men who truly love you and care about your best interests will stay put even when you are less than kind to them and even when they are under scrutiny. They do this because they are sincere that they want you and their life back.

Sometimes, wives will tell me that they see different personalities in their husband. At times, he's the sweet sorry, remorseful guy who is begging for forgiveness but eventually, this gives way to a defensive guy who gets sick of all the questions and need for reassurance. This is relatively normal and doesn't necessarily mean your husband doesn't love you. This is a very trying time for everyone. Both people will become angry, frustrated and doubtful. But, if both people truly love one another, they will often stick it out even when it's not easy to do so.